hello happiness.

day after day after helpless day....i prayed. i prayed until i was sick in my stomach, until i felt i couldn't possibly speak anymore. the one thing i wanted in my life, the one thing i felt that i actually deserved. [happiness.] that's it. i never wanted anything more or anything less, just wanted to wake up and be able to say i was truly and unconditionally "happy". nothing else truly mattered to me for as long as i could remember and i just couldn't grasp why it was so out of my reach. what was it that i have done in the past for me to suffer in the present? i'm still trying to figure that one out, still trying to grasp it-reaching. ninteen years on this earth, and out of nowhere happiness decides to pay me a visit; after years of praying it shows up like it was part of me all that time. it came to me where i worked at the time, right before i was ending my shift....there it was. with its sense of humor that matched mine perfectly, its baritone that sent a chill down my spine, its smile that forced a smile on my face, its eyes.....its eyes that i could look in and just know everything i needed to know. it was perfect, exactly what i was looking for and exactly what i needed. nervous, i allowed it to come to me, time after time, day after day. it came without tiring, never gave up for a moment; not even when i wasn't one hundred percent sure if i wanted it or not. so i pushed and i pushed and it pushed and pushed until we ended up in an endless hug. a hug that we both needed so very much and didn't want to let go. five months down the line, we had to let go. happiness came with a consequence of course; happiness had a blessing, a blessing that wasn't my own. happiness says "i need you", but what can i say in return? i'm back to square one; praying. praying that happiness will be happy and find what it needs to get through this, and during all this praying, i'm hurting. i couldn't even begin to explain how much it hurts or count how many tears i've shed; how many tears we've shed. i wish the best for happiness. i wish happiness-true unconditional happiness-will find it's way to me. my dearest misery, i return to you with a faded smile on my face and crushed joy in my soul. that's right misery, janna is back, she's back home where she belongs. sorry i've left for that long......happiness had me at hello.